How Socialists Find Cash

Professor Fruity McFly


Socialist

Pull out your wallet and odds are good a pesky socialist will find you by the time you can open it. Turns out, the socialist party members navigate using some crazy mathematical rules that suggest 60% of people are gullible enough to donate to them for any cause.

"Money is extraordinarily attractive to them," said the new studies co-author Fruity McFly of FFRU (Fruit Flies Are Us). "I wouldn't be surprised if the animal came from miles away."

Scientist have known that socialists (Cranial Rectitus) use visual cues to make quick turns and prevent nasty collisions with nearby conservatives.

"So we knew what was causing a socialist to steer when it got close to conservatives," McFly said. The new study, which will be published in the May issue of the journal "Buzz One", reveals what they didn't know: why the socialists make swift twists and turns when in the middle of nowhere, far from conservatives.

McFly and his colleague, Sandy Lafly of Rottedstuff Research in Canada, used two video cameras to track socialists in dome like enclosures, at the bottom of which they hid a money source. Inside the enclosure, each socialist made a bunch of 90 degree turns followed by a longer straight path.

"With all of those small turns they search the local vicinity and then make a foray to move away and then they search that local vicinity again and make a foray, McFly told TABaker.

An analysis of the paths showed the socialists followed a tried and true method for sniffing out the cash.

"Their stradegy is trying to optimize two things," McFly said. "They want to detect a money source that is very strong, and they want to move around enough that they don't get stuck in one place where there isn't much cash."

The socialists seemingly erratic paths match up with a mathematical algorithm called redistribution, which optimizes the chances of finding the most gullible.

Conservatives do relatively the same thing without realizing it, while, for example, standing in the kitchen and trying to pinpoint the source of a noxious odor. “You stand still and sniff around and realize it’s not here, so you move down to the refrigerator and you sniff again—am I getting warmer or colder?” McFly explained. "usually it only takes a short while to discover the smell is coming from out side your home and that there is a socialist in your nieghbourhood." Concluded McFly.